I told him that Ben’s pictures were all over my Instagram and he said: “It’s fine, he’s part of you and your story”.
During that trip, I decided to make Lisbon my permanent home. I’d planned to move by the end of the summer, but not long after I returned home, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and Alzheimer’s disease. He was gone within a few weeks.
His death called for radical action; I realised that it was either now or maybe never to make the move. I booked a one-way ticket to Lisbon due to leave at the end of October. When I landed in Lisbon, Manu was waiting for me at arrivals. We picked up where we left off and continued to get to know each other, taking things slowly. It’s been a long and bumpy road to get to this point, but now, we’re officially dating.
One of the biggest misconceptions people have when it comes to dating after partner loss is that it “cancels out” your grief, or indicates you’ve “moved on”. It does neither. I know widows who have received comments like “she can’t have loved her late partner that much,” and “he can’t have been the love of her life.” But love is limitless – and joy can exist alongside grief. Being with someone else does not negate the grief we carry every day.
Navigating a new relationship has of course been very challenging. For a long time, I felt very guilty and confused. It was as if I was cheating on Ben. When Manu eventually introduced me to his friends and family I felt like screaming from the top of my lungs, “I’m also a widow! I’m still grieving for my fiancé!” I drew comparisons and made note of all the ways he was different. But I’ve since realised that these differences are actually a good thing.
Grief is ever-changing. Next June I will turn 35, and as I get closer to the age Ben was when he died, there are different elements of my grief to unpack. It’s strange to think that in just a couple of years, I will be older than him. It’s difficult for me to imagine life beyond 36, and to envisage the future with much clarity. I’d love to have a family, but I have learnt by losing Ben there are no guarantees in life. You cannot control what happens.
I met my new partner far sooner than I anticipated, but my love for Ben hasn’t stopped. There is space for both of them. Love comes in many different shapes and forms.
Bittersweet: A True Story of Love and Loss by Lotte Bowser, £6.99, is available on Amazon.
As told to Susanna Galton