I tried foot jobs and butt plugs to revive my stale married sex life

Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week we hear from 28-year-old Tessa* who has been with her husband since 2017. Together, the pair have two children, a son, four, and daughter, three, who both have ‘severe and complex’ special needs.

While pregnant with her first child, Tessa says that she and her husband ‘romped like rabbits’, but health complications during her second pregnancy meant sex was ‘too painful to endure.’

‘The only times we had sex during my second pregnancy was one time to knock me up and one time to knock it out,’ she tells Metro.

After giving birth, the queer mum-of-two explains that she and her husband fell into a ‘sexless lull’ and intimacy fell to the bottom of the priority list.

‘We used to use to get up to all sorts,’ she says. ‘There was rope, collars, gags, handcuffs, flogs, paddles and whips.

‘But since having children, and working up to 80 hours a week to save for a new home where the kids aren’t cramped, it’s all gone downhill.’

‘Although my husband could go 100 miles an hour, all day and every day in the bedroom, I’m barely running on fumes. There’s maybe a fondle and a shag every other week.’

Tessa misses how sexually active she used to be with her husband and now, she’s determined to revive their intimate life.

So can she reinvigorate her sex life? Without further ado, here’s how Tessa got on this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Tuesday

It’s my husband’s day off. While I’m wrangling toddlers into the living room, he’s getting washed upstairs, with the invite of a cheeky blowjob while the kids have their breakfast.

I decline, I’ve not even had my morning coffee to make me feel human. Our stagnant sex life is mostly down to me, I’ll admit.

As I power up my laptop, which won’t be turned off until after the kids are in bed post 8pm, I decide to research ways to spice up our marriage.

Apparently, accepting the invitation of a cheeky blowy would have been the perfect opportunity, but I’m not one to leave the wild children alone for even a second.

The last time I did that (to wash the dishes of all things), I ended up with s**t all over my wall.

That night, after the kiddies are finally asleep, my laptop is powered down and we can finally have a bit of time together, so we watch TV.

With spicing up our marriage in mind, I sneak upstairs to grab my vibrator, and he immediately knows it’s time to pause the trashy telly in preparation for our usual position: I like to call it the Spoon and Smash.

Wednesday

He’s riding the high of last night and is in quite the happy mood as he gets ready for work.

For me, it’s the exact same day, doing the exact same things with the kids and my laptop.

We unexpectedly have family popping around, and it’s a nightmare having to stop the kids from going through their bags, grabbing glasses from faces and bouncing from chair to chair.

I might have gotten a few sentences of a conversation in between snack and juice grabbing, cleaning upturned toy boxes and making sure the children don’t jump on the elderly. However, I’m pretty sure they’re all aware of what they’re walking into when planning to visit our home.

Husband gets back home and I’m again, exhausted.

We clean the house, and the kids ruin it within minutes. Oh, well – we’ll get to it again while they sleep.

We both conk out on the sofa come 10pm after ordering a greasy pizza and stroking each other’s legs. Post-pizza regret is so real.

Thursday

We’ve only gone and bloody slept on the sofa all night.

We wake up with creaking bodies and aches everywhere to the sound of kids laughing to themselves in their rooms, and a quick inspection shows that no disaster has occurred and they’re both still in bed. Phew.

It’s 6am. F**k’s sake. It’s my husband’s day off and we quickly get the kids up and ready so we can run down to the park for an hour to get their energy out.

When we’re back, we take turns showering while the other minds the children and then I set about on brunch.

The laptop is calling me again, so I begin my workday while he manages the children.

Oh, how I love working upstairs and not having to get up every three minutes to fetch a multitude of snacks and toys.

I can’t say he feels the same way as I can hear the carnage downstairs. He’s probably on his second round of hoovering, but that’s our normal day with kids who need a lot more sensory activities than other children their ages.

Come 9pm, the kids have reluctantly gone to sleep, and we have a late dinner.

I’ve been reading so much about sex positions I’m about to burst today. In light of my new information, we try doggy (I’m not a fan, so it’s a rarity), good old missionary and reverse cowgirl.

It’s safe to say he’s done by the last position, and we take up our usual Spoon and Smash so I can finish off.

Friday

Oh, if only I worked in an office. I’d be so ready for the weekend. But I work seven days a week and I’m already knackered.

I’m doing a long freelance shift, which means I’m upstairs from 9am until 5:30pm and then the kids enjoy their dinner, while I help my husband turn the house into something livable again.

I’m back on my laptop to finish off other work until 10pm and then I tap him on the shoulder as he’s playing his computer game and make a crude gesture to signal a bit of sex is on the menu.

I can’t remember the last time we f**ked three times in one week. We’ve certainly let ourselves go from the couple who’d happily shag twice a day, every day.

I quite imagine he misses when we were trying for our first. Thirteen days in a row was our record.

Throughout the day he’s given me a few sexy signals as I’ve been tucked away upstairs, even coming to suck my toe. He’s a feet man, though he says it’s since he met me.

With that in mind, I allowed him to explore a fantasy of his: a foot wank. He most certainly enjoys it. Can’t say I love the clean-up though.

Saturday

My husband’s mood is a whole lot airier this week. I think he’s been loving his extra attention in the bedroom and he’s on a mission to recreate last night’s foot job.

Unfortunately, I’m working on my laptop again until 5pm and the kids need a park run to blow off some steam.

He reluctantly takes them out and, from what I hear when he gets back, he’s been running around like a mad man to make sure the kids didn’t eat sand or fling themselves from the climbing frames. Poor sod.

I have another look at spicing up our marriage by going on some mum forums where they talk about the same issue, and to be honest, I think we’re doing a great job of it. We’ve gone from having sex once a month, or twice if we’re lucky, to having sex a couple of times per week.

He agrees and is keen on keeping it this way. We did initially consider a sex calendar to schedule it in, but decided it’d take the fun out of it all.

Tonight, we settle for dry humping on the sofa until we decide to go up to bed.

Sunday

It’s another working day for me and I’m on a shift until 9pm. Ouch.

My husband has the whole day to himself, and the kids have been taken out by specialist babysitters to a farm. He’s enjoying his time on his computer with his friends, playing something to do with building armies in a fantasy world.

I’m writing a portion of my book, which is not a subject that’d get anyone in the mood.

On my lunch, we realise we still have a free house to take advantage of and I quickly grab my vibrator.

He’s shocked that again, I’ve initiated sex and within seconds, he’s fully nude.

This time he takes the lead on the positions, and we do something that I’m not entirely sure of how to explain.

I’m lying on my back, with my top half hanging off the bed, as he holds my legs in the air.

Is this some sort of fancy missionary? I’ll tell you what, it might be my favourite, and he certainly doesn’t last long.

Monday

Having sex on a Monday is typically a no-go for me, considering it’s the start of the week and is overall a stressful day, but I’m not giving up on my mission now.

It’d be a cold day in Hell if my husband went even one day without suggesting something sexual to me, or even coming upstairs while I’m showering to get a peek of the goods.

Even though I’d had two children, and I feel like my body looks like a stranger’s, he can’t get enough.

With this thought in mind, I decide to surprise him as soon as the kids are tucked up in bed.

I pop on my slinky slip dress, stockings and suspenders and bring down some of our old toys. Did I mention we also have a butt plug with a bushy tail too?

Anyway, he was shocked about the tail, but not reluctant to try. I’m calling this week a success.

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